


Amnesic

by longleggedgit



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-10 00:25:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longleggedgit/pseuds/longleggedgit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsume has a crisis. Taki and Tanuma try to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesic

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://littlebutfierce.livejournal.com/profile)[**littlebutfierce**](http://littlebutfierce.livejournal.com/) in 2011 for [](http://help-japan.livejournal.com/profile)[**help_japan**](http://help-japan.livejournal.com/). It was lots of fun but also very nervewracking to write Natsume Yuujinchou fic for the first time! I hope you enjoyed, [](http://littlebutfierce.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://littlebutfierce.livejournal.com/)**littlebutfierce**. Thank you for helping Japan! ♥

Taki still wakes up some nights because of an invisible pressure on her chest, heavy enough to make her gasp even though at first she can't remember where it comes from. Sometimes it takes a full five minutes before she realizes the source, realizes she doesn't have to fear the passing of each day anymore. When she rolls over again, she can fall asleep now, which is a nice change from the days when she learned to give up even trying. She would get up and start her search early back then, scratching circles into the dirt while it was still dark out, stumbling through the school day in a cloud of exhaustion that never carried over to bedtime.

Some nights, just as Taki is about to drift off again, she wonders if this isn't what Natsume has felt like always, since he was old enough to understand the things he sees go unseen by everyone else. On those nights she prays to find a little bit of that old courage she hasn't needed for a long time, because so far she hasn't been able to ask him.

~

It's their final year of high school, and Taki feels good about it. She's made some friends now that she feels comfortable talking again, although the only two she really connects with are Natsume and Tanuma. There are things people go through that mark them separate for the rest of their lives, and seeing spirits, Taki thinks, must be among them. She spends time with Tanuma most afternoons, and Natsume joins them as often as can be expected of Natsume, quietly smiling and occasionally contributing to conversation.

Today is a warm spring day, one of the first where Taki didn't need to wear a coat over her uniform, and it seems like the most natural thing in the world to stop off at the lake on their walk home from school. No one actually suggests it, but rather as a unit they slow down and change course as soon as the water is within sight. Taki and Tanuma take a seat under a sakura tree struggling to bloom and Natsume stoops at the lake's edge a few feet in front of them, watching the water with an expression Taki can't read.

"Where's Nyanko-sensei today, Natsume?" she asks, her voice too loud in the quiet.

"Hm?" Natsume says, meaning today he's distracted. Taki wonders what he's seen recently; if he's seeing something now. "Oh, he's probably still sleeping."

Taki nods, having expected as much.

"I'm surprised he hasn't shown up yet," Tanuma says, and Taki and eventually Natsume turn to look at him, both questioning.

Tanuma's brow furrows, like he's worried he said something wrong. "Isn't there a youkai nearby, Natsume?"

Taki stiffens. It's her first, unavoidable reaction even after the dozens of youkai she saw with her own eyes during the curse year, even now that she can't see but can only hear talk of the others. She's not afraid of youkai in principle, but something about an invisible presence pressing near to her will always make her breath catch. It's worse this way than seeing them.

When she looks up, Taki realizes Natsume has stiffened, too. His eyes are unfocused but his shoulders are rigid, like a cat ready to either pounce or run away.

"Natsume," Tanuma says, reaching out a hesitant hand, just as Nyanko-sensei jumps from the tree above them and lands succinctly in Natsume's stiff lap.

"Sensei," Natsume says, startled.

Nyanko-sensei just looks up at him with slitted eyes and doesn't say a word. Taki is leaning in to scratch his ears before she even knows what she's doing, and when she realizes how close it brings her head to Natsume, still hunched and stiff, as well as Tanuma, leaning in to study Natsume's face, she feels suddenly embarrassed. Sensei twitches impatiently under her still fingers.

"I just thought," Tanuma says, quietly, when no one else speaks, "if I could feel it, it must be very close, or very powerful."

All three of them lean back. Taki's hands drop to her lap and she joins Tanuma in watching Natsume's guarded face.

"Ah," Natsume starts. Nyanko-sensei interrupts him with an impatient growl and jumps up to leave. "I guess we should go," Natsume concludes, staring after Sensei's retreating form.

It's not clear if he means just the two of them or everyone, but Taki and Tanuma stand up too, dusting off awkwardly. Taki's still not sure she understands what's going on.

"See you," Natsume says when they all reach the road, and he jogs after Sensei without waiting for a response. Taki waves anyway.

"He didn't see it," Taki concludes, looking to Tanuma at her side.

"I'm sure I just made a mistake," Tanuma says, but he frowns all the rest of their walk together.

After they part ways, Taki goes home and heads straight for the backyard. She searches under the trees for a good stick—she tossed out the old one because it scared her, propped up against the wall in her bedroom like an ugly scar—until she finds an acceptable replacement, and she starts to draw. It comes back to her like she never went out of practice, and once she's done she steps back to admire her work, nervousness competing with a strange twist of pride.

She falls asleep with her back to a gnarled stump, waiting for a glimpse of a spirit that never comes, disappointed even though she's not sure how she'd bring it up to Natsume and Tanuma tomorrow if she actually saw something.

~

Natsume is kind but distant at school for the rest of the week, and he always leaves at the end of the day before Taki and Tanuma have time to approach him.

"Sorry," he says after class on Friday, "I have to . . ." but he trails off as if he's forgotten he was speaking, slipping out the door like a sleepwalker.

Tanuma and Taki gather their things and follow him silently, down the dusty dirt roads behind school, staying back as far as allowable while still keeping him in sight.

"Do you feel anything?" Taki whispers when they come to the perimeters of a forest. They wait until the back of Natsume's bright hair is just barely visible through the dark cover of trees before following, careful of their footing over the twigs and leaves. So far, it's Natsume alone; Nyanko-sensei is nowhere to be found.

Tanuma hesitates before answering. "Lately," he admits, "when Natsume's around, I get confused."

Taki bristles but doesn't look at Tanuma as he speaks; she doesn't dare.

"I mean," he says quickly. "My senses. It's like there's spirits all around us, but it's different than that, too. Like I could reach out and touch something in any direction."

When Taki can't find the words to respond, Tanuma adds softly, "I guess I don't know how to explain."

He doesn't have to; Taki knows exactly what he means. These days it's like Natsume is emanating something himself, and maybe Taki doesn't feel these things the way her friends do but whatever is happening seems so thick it's tangible, like the air on a humid summer day.

"Natsume is floundering," a voice says out of nowhere, and Taki and Tanuma freeze in their tracks. There's a puff of smoke and Nyanko-sensei materializes just in front of them. "He stinks so much right now every youkai for miles must be dying to get a taste of him."

"Sensei," Tanuma says, questioning. Taki drops down and gathers him up in her arms, but it's less enthusiastic than usual, and Nyanko-sensei doesn't even bother struggling.

"He can't see me in my true form right now," Sensei tells them. Taki sucks in a sharp breath.

"Is it another curse?" she asks. She recalls with a fresh pang of guilt her youkai, drawing it right to Natsume with her carelessness, how close he came to dying with a rope around his neck in a cave. The details came to her in a dream the next night; she knew without having to ask that they were real.

Nyanko-sensei shakes his head. "I've looked him over up and down," he says. "This is different. It's like amnesia. Like his body is forgetting."

A chill runs up Taki's spine and she catches Tanuma's eye. He looks as grim as she feels.

"Where is he?" Tanuma says, bringing them all back to earth with a jarring urgency.

"Natsume?" Nyanko-sensei says. He jumps down from Taki's arms, starts running, and disappears in another plume of smoke. Taki and Tanuma waste no time in running after him.

"Head toward the old shrine," Taki gasps, remembering what her books said about gathering places for unnatural youkai energy, at the same time trying to force herself not to remember Sensei's words, _Every youkai for miles must be dying to get a taste of him._

"There!" Tanuma slides to a halt and Taki slams into his back, both of them letting out a little rush of air.

Natsume is kneeling in the grass at the foot of the crumbling torii gate, his head hanging to his chest, his arms limp at his sides. He's so still Taki thinks he's asleep for a moment, until she realizes his eyes are open. She spots Nyanko-sensei in a tree, in cat form again, watching over the scene with a cold gaze. Tanuma's hand finds her shoulder and squeezes hard.

"There's something here," he says, more sure of himself than she's ever heard him. "There's--"

"Taki," Sensei barks. "Draw one of your circles around the gate. A big one."

She moves forward to obey automatically, picking up a nearby twisted stick. Natsume never looks at her once as she sketches in the dirt and grass, making a wide perimeter around him. She puts in the details with painstaking care, hesitating only on the last symbol. The moment she adds the final snakelike curve, a dozen figures fizzle into existence around them. Natsume neither looks up nor blinks.

The youkai aren't frightening, but what scares Taki is the way they're looking at Natsume, almost like they're confused, too. Some are big and gentle-looking, some small and eerie, some barely identifiable wisps of cloud. All are still, like servants waiting for a word from their master.

Without turning around, Natsume stands up, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He scuffs at the dirt in front of him and the figures flicker away in an instant, the circle broken.

"I don't know what to do," he says, laughing in a way that sounds more pathetic than any sob Taki has ever heard. "Without youkai--" he starts, but he can't even finish his sentence. "I'll see you at home, Sensei," Natsume says, and then he brushes past them and out of the clearing.

Once he's gone, Nyanko-sensei speaks, startling Taki and Tanuma both.

"Humans are the only beings in existence who do this," he says, tone reprimanding.

"Do what?" Tanuma asks.

"Dwindle their own talents away out of fear."

He disappears before Taki and Tanuma can ask what Natsume is afraid of.

~

Natsume doesn't show up to school on Monday, and Taki and Tanuma waste no time in going to his house as soon as classes are over. Fujiwara-san answers the door, smiling fondly and a little wearily at them.

"Checking in on Takashi?" she asks.

Taki nods and Tanuma says, "Yes."

"That's sweet of you." Fujiwara-san looks behind her toward the staircase and sighs. "I'm afraid he told me not to let anyone in to see him. He's feeling terrible and is worried it's contagious."

Taki can tell by the knit to Fujiwara-san's eyebrows that she's confused. Probably Natsume seems outwardly fine, but she believes him implicitly, because he's not the type to lie about feeling sick. And he's not lying, really, although Taki highly doubts it's contagious.

"I'm sure he'll be back to school in a day or two," Fujiwara-san assures them.

"Please tell him to take care," Tanuma says. Taki echoes him and they bid Fujiwara-san goodbye, turning away from Natsume's door numbly.

"What can we do?" Tanuma asks, hands stuffed deep in his pockets as they trudge back the way they came.

Taki doesn't answer because she can't. She's always felt like this, to an extent: concerned and frustrated, standing on the sidelines watching Natsume struggle with an invisible burden, wondering how long it will take before he buckles under the pressure of always having to face everything alone.

It's not until Wednesday, Natsume's third day absent from school, that an answer comes to her, snapping her mind to attention with a warm tingle of realization. Taki whirls on Tanuma once the bell rings and grabs his elbows, overcome with a frightening hope that this might actually work.

"Tanuma," she says fast.

He pulls as far away as possible without actually forcing her to let go of his arms. "What?"

"I think I have an idea." She doesn't need to clarify; Tanuma loses some of his tension and nods, letting her lead him out the school and in the opposite direction of their usual path home.

They walk at a brisk pace toward the mountains and Tanuma doesn't make her explain, which is good because Taki's mind is racing and she needs the time to think. Once they reach the foot of Higashiyama she turns to him and presses her palms together like a prayer.

"We need a place where lots of youkai go," she says. "I don't want to go back to the old shrine. It feels mean there."

Tanuma recoils, looking sideways toward the mountain with a pained expression on his face. "You know I'm not that powerful," he says reproachfully.

"I'm sure you can do it."

Taki gives him her brightest smile but Tanuma still appears intensely uncomfortable, rubbing at his arms like he's suddenly caught a chill. "I don't even know how to look," he says.

"Let's just start walking." Taki starts forward, tugging at his coat sleeve, and he follows with reluctant steps. "We'll both try. Just feel and listen."

It can't be too reassuring, Taki saying she'll try too. Natsume has his amazing gift and Tanuma has his sensitivity. Taki can only draw circles. It's not much, but it's what she was given, and she's grateful for it now. During the curse year, she wished every day and night that she'd never discovered her grandfather's old journals, that she could have lived a normal life like any other girl, blissfully unaware that youkai really exist. She doesn't feel that way anymore. If anything, she wishes she could have a fraction of even what Tanuma has, but she'll have to make do.

"I feel something," Tanuma says, hesitant but less so than before, when they're less than halfway up the winding trail of the mountain. He looks to his right and Taki turns her head to follow his gaze. There are thick trees on either side of them, but if she squints, she can just make out a footpath worn into the dirt.

"Let's go." She leads the way again and they stumble through the trees, brushing aside branches that block the way, a stillness in the air descending thicker and thicker the farther they get away from the main trail.

"There's a clearing," Tanuma says, before Taki spots it. He moves in front of her, pushes through a perimeter of chest-high bushes, and there it is. It's not terribly special, but it's big, and there's a certain peaceful feel to it. At the far left is a crumbling statue of a monk with a few green-stained coins rooted to its base with moss, and at the right is a small waterfall gurgling into a stream. The light seems to shine differently because the thick trees have parted to allow a view of the clear sky and sun.

She's almost afraid to ask, but the air feels hopeful here. "Are there youkai?" she wonders.

As if in response, a gust of unnatural wind twists around her, making her hat fly straight off her head. Tanuma catches it, looking dazed.

"Help me look for the biggest stick you can find," Taki says, and Tanuma's eyes shine in understanding.

~

It's dark by the time they make it to Natsume's house, and instead of going to the front door they sneak to the side, tossing a few carefully aimed rocks until one lands soundly on his window and a silhouette appears on the other side. For a moment, Taki is afraid he won't want to see them, but then the pane slides upward and Natsume leans his head out, smiling despite the bags under his eyes. Nyanko-sensei hops up and appears at his elbow.

"Taki. Tanuma," Natsume says in greeting, and the way he's obviously trying to sound enthusiastic makes Taki's heart ache.

"Come with us," Taki says, taking a firm stance on the ground below him, ready to not take no for an answer.

They've come this far but it will all amount to nothing if Natsume refuses now. Her fingers are sore from clutching the stick for well over an hour and her legs are coated in dirt from the toes to the knees. Tanuma looks similarly worn down, his shoulders and neck tense from standing on constant guard. He looks to Taki for a moment and smiles, maybe trying to tell her it'll be fine.

She's not sure until Natsume surprises her by saying, "I'll be right down."

Nyanko-sensei disappears and presumably nudges Natsume onto his giant back; Natsume looks more nervous than usual, unable to see what he's riding, but he's lowered gently to the ground in front of Taki and Tanuma in just a few seconds.

"It'll be faster if we can all get a ride," Taki says, trying to keep the sly smile off her lips.

A great sigh blows the hair around on her face, but then she's laughing as an invisible force lifts them into the air, one at a time. She grabs two handfuls of silky fur she can feel but not see and glances at the faces of her friends; Natsume, resigned but unafraid in front of her, and Tanuma, terrified but steadfast behind.

"Let's go," she whispers, and whether Nyanko-sensei was waiting for her word or not, he takes off.

She directs him and they're at the mountain in less than ten minutes, although the walk back took her and Tanuma over forty. Nyanko-sensei touches down on the main path and helps them down but doesn't change back into cat-form.

"What are we doing?" Natsume asks.

"Just follow us," Taki reassures him. She and Tanuma start forward confidently and Natsume falls into step alongside them.

The first thing they notice is Nyanko-Sensei snapping into sight nearby, when they're still a few feet from the entrance to the clearing. All three of them startle; Taki still can't get used to the way Sensei looks when he's not a cat.

"Sensei?" Natsume asks, disbelieving. "I can see you!"

"Keep walking," Sensei instructs him. Natsume looks dumbfounded but does as he's told, facing forward, undeterred when he meets the bushes Tanuma found first. He shoulders his way between them and then comes to a halt, sucking in a breath. Taki's heart is beating fast.

They can all see what Natsume's seeing, but Taki and Tanuma carefully don't comment on this fact. The clearing is swarming with youkai: a few smoking under an oak tree, some eating unidentifiable snacks out of banana leaves, others drinking from or washing clothes in the stream. Some must recognize Natsume, because they exclaim "Natsume-dono!" and wave excitedly.

"How—" Natsume stammers, still frozen.

"Tanuma said it felt like there were a lot of spirits here," Taki says, her mouth moving quickly without her bidding it. "We thought maybe it'd be a good place." She swallows before asking, "Can you see them?"

To Natsume's left, Nyanko-sensei steps forward, not saying anything but cutting a look at Taki. Taki feels her face go red but sets her mouth in a firm line. She knows Sensei understands; she saw him glance down at his paws just after he became visible to all of them, toward the intricate drawings underneath them, a small fraction of the largest pentagram Taki has ever drawn. Her fingers will probably have blisters for weeks from digging her stick into the ground as deep as she could, stumbling over weeds or under roots of gnarled trees.

To her relief, Sensei doesn't comment. Then Natsume falls to the ground next to her, and she and Tanuma let out a joint cry, crouching down to attend to him.

"Natsume?" Tanuma says. "Are you okay?"

Natsume's face is hidden at first, but when he lifts his head his eyes are wet. It's the most natural thing in the world when Taki pulls him into her arms and doesn't let go, resting her forehead above his ear. Natsume leans into the touch and then Tanuma is there too, one hand on either of their shoulders, all of them so close it feels like they're breathing in perfect unison.

"I was so afraid," Natsume admits, his voice rough.

"Why?" Taki asks, because she can't help herself.

"If I lose youkai," he mutters, "I won't have anyone." His voice sounds like he's ashamed, and Tanuma is the one who states the obvious.

"You'd have us," he says.

It's like watching the clouds part, the way Natsume's face changes. "I didn't think," he starts.

"Obviously," Taki says.

That's the end of the conversation. They stay there until it becomes uncomfortable and one of them shifts; the spell is broken and they slowly stand, brushing off their clothes, Taki and Tanuma standing back as Natsume moves forward to make small talk with a pair of friendly youkai he recognizes, a cyclops and a cow. It's more than an hour before Natsume turns back to them and smiles, tells them he's ready to go home. This is when Taki's stomach really starts to twist in worry. She's not sure what will happen when they step out of her circle. It was a long-shot that she has no real reason to believe will work.

"Humans are so slow," Nyanko-sensei grumbles, leading the way out of the clearing and trotting ahead. Taki wonders if he's secretly worried about what will happen in a few steps, too.

"It must have been hard," Natsume says, startling Taki when he appears next to her suddenly. She and Tanuma both shoot him puzzled looks.

"Drawing a circle that big," he clarifies, smiling with his eyes closed. Taki goes still and this time it's Tanuma's turn to smack into her from behind.

"You knew?" Tanuma asks, when he and Taki have untangled themselves.

Natsume only continues smiling and shrugs a little, turning his attention to the dirt under his feet. He smoothes over already fading lines until a large portion of the circle has been destroyed, certainly enough to protect the youkai within from any travelers who might stumble upon the same spot. "Thank you," he says. "It means so much, that you would do that for me."

Taki wants to say _Why wouldn't we_ , but before she gets the chance they're back on the main path and Natsume is looking up to his right, smile spreading into a grin as he apparently stares at nothing.

"Can you give us one more ride, Sensei?"

"Ingrates," comes Sensei's voice from all around them. A warmth spreads from Taki's chest to her fingertips and her cheeks start to hurt from trying to hold it all in.

"I'm so glad," she says, wiping her eyes on the palm of her hand. Beside her, Tanuma ducks his head, but Taki isn't fooled when he pretends to brush the hair from his face.

A warm tail sweeps their feet out from under them and lifts them into the air, all three at once, and this time only Natsume holds onto Sensei's fur. Instead, Taki leans forward and rests against Natsume's back, secure with Tanuma close behind her. She dozes warm between them until they drop her off at the window of her bedroom, and she waves goodbye until long after their figures disappear into the darkness.

When she wakes up in the morning, Taki is smiling even though at first she can't remember why.

_end_  



End file.
